Currently Listening Set Yourself on Fire By Stars see related

current thoughts:

i'm alone in my parent's house for an entire week
and already i have the creepy feeling that i'm not actually alone
i hate that feeling
i am not meant to be alone - this is not a new thought
just a currently recurring one

one more night, that was a good one
one more night, i dreamed it was a good one

i work too much this week ... eighty hours to be precise
this will cause burnout and grumpiness
do not say you did not have warning

we are here to take the blame
to take the taunts and if the shame
we are here to make you feel
it terrifies you, but its real

i miss truman again
especially after getting numerous invites to a weekend getaway
and calls from my favorite nephew
... it's a good heartache

why did you not show up
i waited for an hour and finally gave up
i guess we'll never meet now
it wasn't meant to be

i am watching the bachelor
and i don't feel guilty about it
in fact, i also cry during grey's anatomy
and i don't feel guilty about that either

we fell apart in the parties of the empty heart
we danced the junkies in the shadows of bad modern art
we clicked our heels and we wished we were home
one more tab and your silk hits the chrome

i want to dance

Currently Listening Robbers & Cowards By Cold War Kids see related

i sucked it up and called him
i told him that i care
and that continuing isn’t an option if he didn’t reciprocate
so now i guess we’re a couple
and i don’t feel the way i wish i did
i’m eager for his phone calls and upset when they don’t happen
i’m excited to see him and content when we’re together
but something’s missing – and i’m not sure what it is
maybe it’s that i know this can’t last
or that sometimes i feel too intelligent for the relationship
but i want something different
and he has that
and maybe i don’t give him enough credit

love doesn’t hurt
so i know i’m not falling in love
i’m just falling to pieces

in the continuing saga of my life
i work too much – 50 hours a week
means too much pressure
too much wondering if i’m doing it right
and too much worrying that i’m not
last night i was blatantly sexually harassed
and i didn’t stop it
i should have confronted it but my mouth wouldn’t open
and now i feel dirty, disgusting and ashamed
because of a 15-year-old boy
he made me want to give up
and i haven’t felt that since i started

face down in the dirt
she says this doesn’t hurt
she says i’ve finally had enough

t-minus one month and i’m back under my parent’s roof
not paying rent and feeling like a loafer
when you can’t tell people where you live
it isn’t a sign you’re where you want to be
and i’m not
i’ll be cracking down my credit card debt
while wishing i was anywhere else
i have ideals and dreams that just don’t involve an extended stay in the basement bedroom
but like everything else – i’ll survive
i have to

i’ll say it straight and plain
i know i’ve made mistakes
i’ve always been afraid

i want to believe i’m okay
that it’s alright to live like this
faking my way through a lot of days
i want to believe people care the way i wish they did
and i want to do life right
but right is hard
and i have excuses
and i have lies told so often i believe them myself
and i worry it’s too late

Currently Listening All Points Bulletin By Dispatch see related

i don’t regret falling back into the habit of cigarettes
although as an added bonus to my lungs
i have quit the marlboro smooths
and taken up camel ultra lights
somehow my conscience is at peace about this decision
it’s stress relieving
and i feel like i’ve had a lot of that lately
mostly self induced but it’s stress nonetheless
and i don’t feel guilty when i put the stick to my lips
and i feel even less guilty as i wash my lungs in the sweet release
i see clearly when i’m smoking
and i don’t want to stop while i can
because right now i actually can’t
i need it too much

would you bring me my money
and take from me all that i was worth
cause i wasn't worth nothing
and i wasn't yours

i’m making choices
and right or wrong, they’re mine
and i worry less about whether they’re right or wrong
which in the end worries me more
i’m drinking more, smoking more
i’m getting involved with a guy who is too young
i form attachments too easily
because sex and things leading up to sex are not meaningless to me
and as much as i try i can’t make them meaningless
i don’t think i want to but sometimes
i dream of a life where i don’t care so much
where my conscience isn’t pricked when i look back and think about my weekend
even though i know i’m just going to do it all again next week
right now i can say i don’t care
but in my quieter moments i do care
and in those moments i want to change but i won’t
because sometimes i think i don’t really know how to
or because i’ve lost the will to
or because i have the rest of my life to be good
whatever that means

wounded, you can take me there
i was wounded, you can take me there
it was a crime that i was left
but will you go on without me?
think i'll just walk myself to sleep

i don’t apologize for much of anything anymore
which is right where i want to be
i’m stuck in a tug of war with myself
and most of the time i want the evil part of me to win
but i know the angel will eventually kick my little devil’s butt
but until then i’m satisfied that i can be and do whatever i feel like
at least on paper

what in the world are we all asking for
if we don't give they're gonna take

Currently Listening Third Eye Blind By Third Eye Blind see related

This weekend a very awful thing happened to me
although perhaps not so awful
on friday evening my brother and i embarked on a journey to the theater
we watched babel
it was powerful and moving
and had it not been for the stupid kids in front of us
laughing and giggling at nudity and hinted at suicides
the movie experience would have been a glorious one
upon arriving at home after the movie i attempted to locate my wallet
and discovered that it was no longer in my possession
as of this very moment i still have not found it
the theater has my phone number
and some man or lucky teen
has my social security number
and cancelled credit cards
and a free buffet at cici's pizza
and is $10.00 away from a gift card to the buckle
and has my memories
i think i miss that most of all
although the free buffet is coming in at a very close second 

i don't quite know what to do in the search for my wallet
i feel almost helpless
like a parent who's called all the proper authorities
but still can't quite sleep
because her child is out there, dead or alive, raped or innocent 

a warning sign
i missed the good part then i realized
i started looking and the bubble burst
i started looking for excuses
come on in
i've gotta tell you what a state i'm in
i've gotta tell you in my loudest tones
i started looking for a warning sign
when the truth is, i miss you
yeah the truth is, that i miss you, so 

i'm cutting my hair again
it was a ridiculous assumption on my part
to think that i could possibly make it an entire year
stupid more than ridiculous actually
these are my looks
a girl doesn't have much more than that 

what sucks worse than liking your best friend/roommate's ex
is not being able to tell her about the cute stuff that he does
last night he visited me at work
which isn't that big of a deal ... i mean i've had others visit me before
but he didn't have to and he didn't even have anything to purchase or to say really
just sit there and watch me work
i don't know still what i think about pursuing a relationship
because of other things i'll discuss later
but god dang it he's adorable

i don't think i come across as someone who NEEDS anything from anyone
and that just isn't true
i'm incredibly sensitive and emotional
and not many people know that
there are very few in this world who have seen me cry
and not that i necessarily need to start bawling in front of people
but it’s become an issue with me, the reality of self-realization

because I struggle with shit ... a lot of shit
and lately I've been starting to think that my friendships are superficial
when i listen to the roommate talk about the things she's talked about with friends
i have to stop myself and think
because i don't have deep relationships with a lot of people
and maybe i don't need to
but if it frustrates me that i don't then i should do something about it
be less superficial … dig into my realities
and i used to think of myself as honest, well, maybe blunt is the better word
but i think i'm truthful in a superficial way
i'm upfront with people, belligerent, and in your face
to hide the fact that sometimes i don't know what i'm doing
and i don't want to admit that to people
so i'm controversial, confrontational and sometimes oppositional
because it's so much easier to put others on the defensive
than to face struggles
and realize that the reason i don't have deep relationships is my fault
the blame lies with no one else
... and these are things i've learned from the kids

and the downward spirals can’t last forever